Well, it was the twins birthday on Saturday. As planned I did a butterfly release.... Well tried anyway. I had a company recommended by another baby loss Mama, so I emailed him and had the delivery organised.. So Friday I was out for lunch with my dad who is up from NSW and I got a text message that I'd missed the delivery. Anxiety immediately set in, but I had also warned myself to expect the unexpected and not get my hopes up, so I remained as calm as I could. Later that day I received a text that they were at the local pick up centre, so feeling relieved I went to pick them up.
It was strange picking them up.... It took me back to when I first lost them. I went through pregnancy and labour yet all I get are these butterflies, so I felt a little emotional. Anyway, the next day we went to the chapel as planned. I had a good friend there to take some photos, my Mum, my partner and of course my Earthside Miracle. The plan was I would release the first 2 butterflies and Jett would release the next 2... So with my friend and her camera at the ready, we opened the first box.... The butterflies were dead. If this had happened 5 years ago I probably would have lost my shit totally. Instead, we just all looked at each other and started laughing.. OMG, lucky I didn't get my hopes up too much! I did feel sorry for the butterflies though.. I had stopped doing balloon releases due to the environmental issue and now I'm getting dead butterflies! Yeah not how I'd planned it! So then came the 2nd box... In that box one was alive.. It was really beautiful, it flew out and hung around for a while. My friend got some nice photos, so at least all was not lost. Not as expected, but it was still quite nice. I don't think we'll do it again though... I have another year to come up with some more ideas!
It was a really hot day, so we went back home, drank nice champagne and had a nice swim. A couple of my friends popped around throughout the day and it really was such a beautiful celebration of the day I became a Mummy. That is one thing the that death will never take away. Taite and Seth were my 1st born sons and they made me a Mummy.
Today I crashed and burned a little. Time has gone so fast it's insane. I still struggle with the fact that having babies so prematurely has taken away my choice to have more children, but I am so incredibly grateful I have 1 living miracle. We speak about his brothers often, although he hasn't quite got the meaning yet he will eventually. He sang happy birthday to his brothers and he cuddles Taite and Seth's puppies that they got when they were born. It's nice that Jett cuddles something that did actually touch the twins. The puppies are named Taite and Seth and Jett cuddles them saying, "I'm hugging my brothers" It is so cute!!!
The lead up to their birthday wasn't too emotional. I still worked and functioned like normal... Something that after they first died, I wasn't sure I was ever able to do. I still love and miss them every day though.
Taite James & Seth David, Forever in my heart xxxx
Writing Through Motherhood
2 weeks ago